Private parts go public: The Great Indian Penis Survey results are out

Let's talk about sex, baby

While we're dealing with both US Presidential candidates being prolific liars, suddenly Bill's fib seems almost cute.https://t.co/pHQ8uYgX2h

— Ranjan Crasta (@jah_crastafari) August 4, 2016

If the mere mention of sex is enough to bring about blushes and a choking fit (sometimes all at once), talking about genitals, the anatomical tools that make it all possible, is even rarer. So much so that large parts of the country even refer to them as "private parts".

While there's an increased emphasis on women's sexuality, men usually never get beyond the "I like sex" level of conversation, let alone discussing their junk. Still, it's a conversation that needs to be had, because our 'privates' are integral to our existence. Heck, they're integral to the very existence of the human race.

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But if men aren't willing to talk about their family jewels publicly, maybe the only way to get this dialogue started is in total anonymity. At least that's what Agents of Ishq, an online project dedicated to sex, love and desire in India, figured.

So, in April, they announced The Great Indian Penis Survey. A completely anonymous survey to see what the Indian relationship with the penis was. Just over 3 months and 1,023 responses later, the results are out and they range from the expected to the bizarre, and everything in between.

The Great Indian Penis Survey

Gender and Sexual Orientation

The survey questions start tepidly enough, with questions meant to identify gender and sexual orientation. But even here, India's awakening sexual identity is clear for all to see. While the majority of respondents were men (96%), 2.5% of respondents identified as intersex, non-binary or transgender.

When it came to sexual orientation, things got even more varied. In a country where the idea of anything but heterosexuality is considered the work of the devil, 18% of respondents identified with options other than heterosexuality.

The 1.5% that chose other identified as "Polysexual, Bicurious, Pansexual, Heteroflexible, Homoflexible, Queer", and, in a painful reminder of how much we need to start a conversation on sexuality, "Honestly Don't Know".

A total of 23 respondents also chose more than one option, displaying a sexual fluidity that would boggle the minds of the nation's moral police.

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Cock talk

From this point on though, the questions get penis-specific. Starting with the tame "What is your relationship with your penis?" While 65% of the respondents insisted they were comfortable with their penis, a number also chose more than one option, indicating this wasn't always the case.

That being said, some (16%) were proud of their junk, we just hope that doesn't manifest in unsolicited flashing.

Still, despite this high level of comfort, when it came to what respondents would like to change about their penises, less than half (46%) were content with what they had. Length (36.5%), girth (22%) and straightness (12.5%) were the primary grouses. Not surprising when you see that people's primary frame of reference for the ideal penis is porn (57%).

Even if 65% were comfortable with their penis, it's the other end of the spectrum that serves as a reminder that we need to re-evaluate our equations with our genitals. 16.5% said they looked at their penis maybe once a month, while 3.5% (including 5 women) said they never did. This points to a deep discomfort with the organ, which, while not the creator's finest moment, is one we're forced to interact with daily.

It's hard to stay serious

But, among the various other findings the survey had, one thing stood out. That it's very hard to keep silliness out of a conversation involving sex. Here's proof:

While the greatest influence on what an ideal penis should be was porn, Lord Voldemort was another. Presumably because he looks like the sort of penis no one wants to have.

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While 60% of men didn't have a nickname for their penis, those that did had names like Pappu (hopefully pass ho gaya), Chhota Bheem, Lance Corporal, Big Ben and Mongoose. Some even used celebrities' names. There was Mao (left leaning, presumably), Shakti Kapoor (dear god, why?) and even Ceaser (presumably after Caesar, but in this case probably because it stops working).

For the full survey, more fun graphics and an insight into the equation Indian men have with their dicks, visit Agents of Ishq.