Why the Sanghi zombie apocalypse is upon us (and how to save yourself)

With each passing day, we're rapidly slipping into a dreaded zombie apocalypse. The virus is strong, with rabid fanatics prone to random acts of violence (and/or stupidity). Twitter has already been an infected playground for a while. And Facebook, with its lack of a character limit, even more so.

Incidents like JNU make it clear that, as the zombie virus spreads, the law and order situation is only going to get worse. Don't expect a happy Sean of the Dead-style resolution either; the police are looking the other way.

Also read: Umar Khalid is no jihadi. BJP is pushing him the Rohith way

Even as the 'libtards' of the country protest the arrest of JNUSU president Kanhaiya Kumar, the unthinking zombies created by the RSS and the Hindutva moment are having a field day.

Sadly, these zombies aren't looking for brains (even though they could use them). Instead they wander through life unthinking, driven by a thirst for blood and the need to convert all normal humans to their kind.

How to recognise a zombie

Present-day Indian zombies may not be flesh-eating ghouls yet, but there are certain characteristics they mirror perfectly:

• Rabid - often angry and abusive to the point of foaming at the mouth.

• Social (strength in numbers) - Zombies never travel alone. RSS zombies take this to a whole new level; they even travel in hordes online.

• Unthinking and moving forward with a single goal in mind (case in point: 'defending Indian culture').

• A need to infect everyone in the vicinity.

• Hive mind - zombies aren't much for original or creative thought. They'll follow the strongest zombie around.

• Incapable of holding public office.

• Threatened by shiny, noisy and pretty things (anything or anyone who is forward-thinking).

• Empty shells of human beings - if someone you know has been infected, please remember that the person you knew is gone. Zombies are devoid of character, personality and soul.

• They multiply exponentially (much to the delight of Sakshi Maharaj.)

But how are zombies created?

1. Either from medical experiments gone severely wrong or biological warfare

2. Brainwashing by using an ideology that does its very best to strip away your individuality.

The zombie is a powerful metaphor, and has come to serve as the primary symbol of escapism itself - where the fictional enslavement of some provides a perverse kind of freedom for everyone else.

In fact, in the US zombies have represented capitalism, the Vietnam War, nuclear fear, even the tension surrounding the civil-rights movement.

The modern zombie is a metaphor for so many fears that it's just easier to call them real: mindless hostile office bureaucracy, kids with their heads buried in their smartphones and a billion other fears millennials have.

Which is why it isn't far-fetched to equate the unthinking goons on the road outside Patiala House with the zombies of old and new. To be fair to zombies though, in some instances they've been capable of basic speech, however garbled.

For the literal-minded, rest assured: I'm not suggesting the RSS and right-wing are flesh-eating fiends. But possibly only because they're largely vegetarian.

The zombie metaphor really comes to life in India with the intolerance debate. The simplest argument is best presented using this comic strip made by the Facebook page Sanitary Panels:

They are not slaves to the flesh of others but to the needs and self-serving goals of the head zombie(s). More specifically, the need to put India into a time bubble where asuras (who were actually just South Indians, people!) are demonised.

Where upper castes are the be-all and end-all.

Where you, like Haryana CM ML Khattar, say things like: "Dil ke beech mein Gita dale to diGITAl banta hain." And where the Manusmriti (still a more liberal Smriti than Irani) reigns supreme.

A guide on how to survive this zombie apocalypse:

It's going to be hard, but read this quick guide if you want to survive:

1. Keep your mouth shut on Twitter about all that you value most: freedom, liberty and common sense.

(But if you have a profile image in which you're wearing a certain shade of green, you'll die).

2. If you're Muslim, a modern woman, Dalit or belong to a lower caste, then just forge your documents. If you don't, you die.

3. If you're a member of the LGBT community, cure yourself using Patanjali pills. If you don't, you die. (Are you starting to see the trend here?)

4. Atheists, beef eaters, pseudo-seculars and members of NGOs should make a dash for Pakistan now. Pakistan is not zombie-free either, but their zombies are totally fine with beef and in desperate need of NGOs.

(PS: If you don't, you die)

5. If you think a cat has crossed your path and nothing will happen to you, beware of the saffron brigade just around the corner. (What do you think, the cat was trying to escape?)

6. If you're a 'presstitute' like me, just join Times Now. Arnab is the only saviour at the moment, the last living creature capable of silencing a zombie. Though, Arnab's thirst for blood means he doesn't discriminate between living and undead.

(But write an article like this and you'll probably die).

Also read: #JNURow: Arnab and the art of manufacturing nationalist outrage

7. If you're a Communist or any kind of leftist, we're sort of surprised you still alive. So just go die already. (look for directions to Patiala House on Google Maps).

8. Pick a fight with ABVP. You die 100% faster than any other method.

9. Dissent. Die.

10. Own a skullcap. Die.

11. Be a student at JNU. Die. Actually, there's no place for students or anyone interested in information or ideas in Z-town.

12. Spread rationality. Die.

13. And as for me, this article is my death wish. Or suicide note.

via GIPHY

Before I forget, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies releases this week. So if you want to look away from one apocalypse to another, you'll have your chance this Friday.

The views expressed here are personal and do not necessarily reflect those of the organisation.

More in Catch - Everything you know about JNU politics is wrong

It's not about him alone: How Kanhaiya's poor parents put things in perspective

#JNUCrackdown: Dear Mohandas Pai, we fund your sector, not opinions

#JNUCrackdown: You don't mess with a nationalist like BJP MLA OP Sharma