Refuse to take infidelity lying down? There's an anti-cheating mattress for that
Infidelity is no longer just a taboo aberration. As the Ashley Madison hack showed last year, millions of people in relationships are actively looking for some action on the side. But not everyone's fine with cheating or being cheated on, so, for those who refuse to take infidelity lying down, there's now an anti-cheating mattress.
If necessity is the mother of invention then the Smarttress (yes, that's what it's called) paints a worrying picture of the world's priorities.
While mattress makers traditionally try to come up with new and innovative ways to help you sleep better at night, Durmet, the Spanish geniuses behind the idea, want to go a step further. Not only does the mattress help you sleep at night, it gives you piece of mind during the day too - by employing a hi-tech "Lover Detection System", to alert you if your significant other is slutting it up in your bed with someone else.
The Lover Detection System isn't just some generic trash that lets you know just whether the mattress is in use either. The battery-powered Smarttress employs 24 ultrasonic sensors to create a 3D map of your bed. The sensors then track the duration of the fling, any movement or pressure on the mattress, the intensity and even the number of 'impacts' per minute.
What's better (or worse?) is that it alerts you immediately via a smartphone app and you can then experience the specifics of your relationship falling apart in real time. Without having to actually see your partner getting it on with someone else.
And just in case this article hasn't convinced your paranoid ass to cough up the GBP 1200 (yes, that's the price of peace of mind apparently), Durmet prepared the world's most amazing mattress advert to drive home the message. Reminiscent of a trailer for Liam Neeson's Taken and set to pulsating music, the advert is enough to convince a widow that her husband's up to no good.
While Durmet designed the mattress in the context of Spain's increased proclivity to cheat, Jose Antonio Muinoz, a spokesperson for Durmet, expects it will be a hit worldwide. "We think the mattress will do well internationally because it is the only one in the world that uses this technology and is designed specifically for the objective of catching cheating partners.", said Muinoz.
And he has a point. After all, there's enough demand for casual adultery that it's spawned an entire industry.
Apart from the now-maligned Ashley Madison there are countless other websites promising adultery. You even have hook-up apps by the dozen and other apps to help stop your significant other from catching on. For the paranoid or unsure there are even books that will teach you how to have an affair.
On the other side of this industry are the detectives and relationship experts who are experiencing a business boom like never before thanks to peoples' inability to keep it in their pants. And the Smarttress is Durmet's attempt at snatching a piece of the infidelity industry pie.
There's just one flaw in Durmet's grand plans...
For starters, the mattress becomes redundant the second both partners know what it does. After that, anyone who wants to cheat can use pretty much every other nook and cranny of the house to get jiggy with it. Or anywhere outside the house either, which is often where infidelity takes place.
So the mattress doesn't so much prevent infidelity as it does prevent infidelity from happening in your own bed. And even then, all it would take to make the bed a haven for adultery again is the removal of the Smarttress' battery.
So the only way for the Smarttress to truly work is for it to be a secret from your partner. And if your keeping secrets from your partner then your relationship is probably already on a dodgy wicket and you're better off not wasting a small fortune to witness it burn.
But let's assume you're fine spending that money and hiding this from your partner, Durmet has you covered. You can buy the mattress online with the 'utmost secrecy'.
But here too lies a problem.
If you've ever been in a relationship, you know that buying a mattress isn't like changing rolls of toilet paper. You can't sneakily replace your mattress without your partner finding out. And once they see that your mattress has a rechargeable battery, they'll probably want to know why it has a battery when it does precisely nothing with it.
There is a saving grace for Durmet though, the mattress could actually be a really nifty, if slightly daft, sex toy for couples, letting them keep track of exactly how their last roll in the hay was, from duration to intensity. If that suggestion alone isn't enough for Durmet to fire their head of marketing and hire me, then the company deserves to fail.
Edited by Payal Puri
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