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Hate Story 3 movie review: It makes you hate the concept of storytelling

Rahul Desai | Updated on: 13 February 2017, 11:45 IST
QUICK PILL
  1. Rating: 0 stars (out of 5)
  2. Bulging biceps, cameras going up skirts, girls lisping nonsense and a narrative that\'s amusing in its absence. Hello Hate Story 3.
  3. Sharman Joshi seems completely out of his depth and Karan Singh Grover is, well, Karan Singh Grover.
  4. So what exactly does Hate Story 3 promise, apart from totally unintentional hilarity?

To state that Hate Story 3 is a bad movie would be offensive to the very soul of bad movies.

This fiasco is the Mughal-e-Azam of bad movies, the Sholay of erotic misfires, and the Lagaan of incompetent filmmaking. To draw a relatable analogy, if common sense and Hate Story 3 played each other in a test match, this film would win by an innings and 976 runs within 2 days on a crumbling Mumbai pitch.

It is poor even within the festering context of Vikram-Bhatt-written debacles, and continues the legacy of a franchise that defies human evolution.

Also read: Karan Singh Grover just answered the most important question -- why Hate Story 3

I remember crawling out of a hall after an early show of the Surveen Chawla predecessor Hate Story 2. I can't remember if I made it out of this one. My spirit still lingers around the hall, waiting to haunt theatre-goers in Bhatt's next ghost-sex extravaganza.

From what I gathered during my final moments, this film stars Sharman Joshi and Karan Singh Grover as vengeful industrialists Aditya Diwan (the 1990s called, they want their surnames back) and something Singhania (the 1980s called, they hung up). Singhania is a mysterious multi-billionaire out to destroy Diwan's empire for a mysterious (cue laughable backstory) reason.

Zarine Khan and Daisy Shah (last forgotten in Jai Ho) play the mandatory pieces of meat; they strip, lick abs, let the cameras enter their dresses and, in their spare time, recite lines written by brains that stopped evolving at the stage somewhere between Homosapiens and Neanderthals.

Also read: Salman Khan encouraged me to do Hate Story 3, says Daisy Shah

Don't bother with the matinee shows either. This film is about as steamy as a public restroom in summer; it singlehandedly shocks the Richter scale of B-grade smut. It boasts of plot twists that are as authentic as windows painted onto the courtroom walls or the VFX that creates 16-bit videogame cars traversing roads beneath Singhania's penthouse.

Rather than offer director Vishal Pandya the privilege of a critical analysis, let's take a statistical look at this subversive desi interpretation of The Prestige universe.

These numbers may or may not have been compiled with minor liberties: (the kind that writers take, when they assume that Karan Singh Grover's face can emote more than his biceps)

Also read: Hate Story 3 trailer crosses 10 million views on YouTube. Sex definitely sells

20

is the number of films Sharman Joshi has appeared in, prior to this.

  • 20 is the number of centuries that seem to have elapsed since his turns in Rang De Basanti and 3 Idiots.
  • 23 is the number of times he is forced to scream out "Rascal!" instead of "Bastard!" to denote frothy rage here, thanks to CBFC stooges.

4

is the number of guitar riffs accompanying Daisy Shah's double-crossing secretary's slow-mo high-heeled strides.

  • 2 is the number of her body parts not shown during her pussycat-dollish Tu Issaq Mera dance.
  • 3 is the number of corporate terms used by the writers before they resorted to her screaming, "I am just not understanding how is this happening!"

6

is the number of times Singhania's Man Friday is seen lisping on his cellphone with one single perverse expression.

  • 10 is the number of audience members, including 6 ushers and 2 barely legal college couples, who genuinely remember the film's title after it ends.

132

is the length (in minutes) of this film.

  • 130 is the length (in seconds) it will take the director to come up with the idea of another seedy sequel, after watching Sunny Leone's Supergirl From China stripper song in the interval.

1

is the number of souls sold by the production designer by painting Singhania's house walls with slogan "Be Hard. Play Happy" - or was it the other way around?

  • 3 is the difference between the number in its title and my rating (in stars).

At one point, Aditya looks up at the heavens and whispers, "I can hear him laughing." An awkward silence ensues on screen, followed by peals of hyena-giggles in the theatre. A modern-day doomsayer, he is.

First published: 4 December 2015, 3:24 IST
 
Rahul Desai @ReelReptile

Rahul Desai is a full-time Federer enthusiast and avid traveller who absolutely must find a way to reach Europe once a year. In his spare time, he reviews films, aspires to own a swimming pool and whines about the lack of palatable food in Mumbai.