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What happens when men design tech for women? These 5 utterly daft devices

Ranjan Crasta | Updated on: 14 February 2017, 5:26 IST

The joke goes that men who don't understand women fall into two categories - bachelors and husbands. With that being the case and with men traditionally dominating the tech industry, it's no wonder that tech for women has traditionally been bizarre, patronising, downright misogynistic and sometimes, a perfect storm of all 3.

Here are 7 of the worst tech ideas targeted at women:

Bluetooth Pregnancy tests

The biggest positive (no pun intended) of home pregnancy tests is that they're super-easy to use.

pregnancy bluetooth embed

You pee on a stick, wait for a positive or negative indication, then throw it in the bin and schedule an appointment with a doctor/double down on contraception to avoid this again. SIMPLE.

Luckily, First Response, a company that sounds like a private paramedic service, is here to save the day. Save it from what you ask? From being cheap and simple.

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First Response has launched the world's 'first and only' Bluetooth Smart-enabled pregnancy test. Not only does it sync to your phone to give you the result via an app, the app also counts down the 3-minute wait involved...because clearly, no smartphone comes with a countdown timer. While you wait the app also tries to calm or distract you with videos, or prepare you for your possibly impending pregnancy.

And, if you're especially lucky, another woman in your vicinity might also be using one and your peesticks could sync to each others phone's, thus providing the plot for the next great Hollywood RomCom.

Oh, it also costs double what a normal test would.

Intra-Vaginal Speakers

Pregnancy isn't the easiest of times for a woman. You essentially have a parasitic organism growing inside you, feeding off you, sending your hormones out of whack, making you flatulent and swell like a balloon. There's also so much preparing to do. From essential reading to buying baby gear and baby-proofing the potential baby death trap you call home.

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But if you're the genius behind BabyPod, the intra-vaginal speakers for your unborn baby, what's really important is playing DJ to your fetus. The BabyPod is a wireless speaker you slip into your vagina and control with a phone-based app. The speaker then plays music at the audio level of a muffled conversation, presumably in the hope that your baby won't hear the argument you're having with its father over why you paid nearly Rs 10,000 for the world's shittiest wireless speaker.

Tweeting clothes

According to studies, there are 16 million more women than men on Twitter. Some people might try to understand that trend for deeper insights into male and female behaviour and psychology. Others may stop reading right there and say "Women are clearly addicted to twitter, we can cash in on this". It's those others we're about to address.

tweeting bra embed

Erogear demonstrated that they understood neither social media, women or fashion when they came up with a product that merges all 3. It's an LED bracelet for shoes that lights up when you receive tweets. What's more, it can also be customised to display your twitter feed to the world...if they were kneeling prostrate before you. Does it let you tweet anything though? No, of course not! Because that would be stupid.

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Maybe they were inspired by Microsoft's wearable paper twitter dress that uses a corset to project a twitter feed onto a transparent white paper skirt. Unfortunately though, that was only a concept piece and not for actual sale. Sorry guys, if you were looking or a way to demonstrate your atrocious spelling and fashion all at once, this isn't going to be it.

Emergency Bra

You know how sometimes you just don't have the right bra for a new dress you're dying to wear, and wish there was an emergency bra stashed away in your wardrobe? Yeah, well, this is definitely not that kind of emergency bra.

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Nope, this is the hi-tech emergency bra that, wait for it, doubles up as not one - but two gas masks. Presumably to guard against chemical warfare, but where on earth are you living that you pick your bra based on its ability to guard against Sarin? You're more likely to need it for those ill-timed elevator farts.

The bra also makes the assumption that your breast size would be proportional to your face, which is preposterous or intriguing depending on whether you're female or male.

Given Delhi's terrible levels of air pollution though, they might just have an unintended winner here.

Epad Femme

Thanks to Apple, tablets have become fashionable tech. Most people would look at their size, weight and battery life when buying one.

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Not women though, obviously. Women's brains are too small for complex thoughts like those. Heck, they can't even wrap their heads around the fact that they can just download any app they want.

epad femme embed

Or atleast that's what the tech geniuses at Eurostar seem to think. They launched the ePad Femme, "the first tablet for women", because all other tables clearly burst into flames when they come within 2 feet of a vagina.

The ePad Femme comes pre-loaded with apps straight out of a feminist nightmare. There's an app for weight-loss, another to make grocery lists and a third for recipes, you know, all those vital skills women need.

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First published: 18 January 2016, 17:21 IST