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ISIS just hosted the first Jihad Olympics and it was a blast!

Ranjan Crasta | Updated on: 10 February 2017, 1:48 IST

The Rio Olympics are just around the corner and already things there are looking like a horror show. From having to execute a jaguar at a press event to super bacteria being found in Brazilian waters, things in Rio look set to make the Delhi Commonwealth Games fiasco look as organised as a shot from a Wes Anderson movie.

Things are looking so bad in Rio we're surprised ISIS hasn't yet claimed responsibility for it.

Heck, things are so bad even terrorists will probably be giving the high-profile event a miss. Because, really, between shoddy planning, the high crime-rate and poor infrastructure, the Rio Olympics will probably cause more terror in Brazil than terrorists ever could.

Also read - Paranoia gone wild: the incredible case of 'terrorist' toddlers

But even if the ticking time bomb that is the Rio Olympics deters Jannat-seeking jihadis, it doesn't mean they have to miss out on the fun at the Olympics.

In fact, to distract their citizens from the shitty existence they've subjected themselves to in this life, in favour of a possible paradise in the next, ISIS have come up with the most morbidly hilarious thing ever - the Jihad Olympics.

The Jihad Olympics: Faster - Higher - Bomber

Somewhere in the middle of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, a gathering of ISIS' top brass probably met to take stock of the situation.

Things were looking grim - ISIS territory was significantly down, recruitment numbers were slowing, god, sorry, Allah-damned Al-Qaeda were claiming responsibility for ISIS work and they hadn't trended on Twitter since #PokemonGo arrived.

All of this meant one thing - morale in the barren wasteland they called a kingdom was way down. Something had to be done. Which is presumably where ISIS' HR manager stepped in.

The solution was simple - host an Olympics to take the disgruntled public's mind off their problems. If it worked for Rome, right?

Also read - Bizarre Jihad recruitment video: come for the wildlife, stay for the afterlife!

It wasn't even the worst idea ISIS have ever had. After all, athletes would make the perfect jihadis. If jihadis were able to go, to use the Olympics' slogan, faster, higher and stronger, ISIS might actually get a lot more done.

The ISIS-controlled city of Tal Afar just hosted the world's first 'Jihad Olympics'

In addition to the de facto shooting events, ISIS is spoilt for choice when it comes to a Jihad Olympics.

From a 100-metre dash across a minefield, shotput with an infidel's severed head, hurdles with tripwires that set of bombs and rowing (across an ocean to a nearby capitalist den of filth), the list of spectator sports ISIS could implement are endless.

Unfortunately, even with the delusions of grandeur that they're plagued with, ISIS, unlike the Brazilian government, realised they didn't have the resources to host a full-fledged Olympics. So what they did instead was this:

That's right, according to Daily Star and images posted by Terrormonitor, the ISIS-controlled city of Tal Afar just hosted the world's first 'Jihad Olympics' and it was filled with games like tug-of-war and musical chairs.

We imagine they'd have passing the parcel too, but no one in Iraq is accepting a mysterious parcel from an almost-total stranger anytime soon.

Also read - Brits using Bollywood songs to annoy ISIS. Here's a playlist to help!

With candy as a prize for the winners, it was hours of endless fun... if you were an 8-year-old. Which, incidentally, a lot of the participants actually were. Reports claim some were even younger.

Older members of the community were invited to participate but were reportedly too afraid they'd be beheaded if they beat any of the frolicking jihadis. Talk about losing your head in the heat of competition.

We wonder what they'll do in 2 years when it's FIFA World Cup time again, the Third World Cup maybe?

First published: 12 July 2016, 1:42 IST
Ranjan Crasta @jah_crastafari

The Ranjan (Beardus Horribilis) is a largely land-dwelling herbivorous mammal. Originally from a far more tropical habitat, the Ranjan can now be found wandering the streets of Delhi complaining about the weather, looking for watering holes and foraging for affordable snacks. Mostly human, mostly happy and mostly harmless, the Ranjan is prone to mood swings when deprived of his morning coffee. Having recently migrated to the Catch offices, he now inhabits a shadowy corner and spends his time distracting people and producing video content to distract them further.