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Save your breath, dear cricket commentators: a handy list of things you needn't tell us

Kalyani Prasher | Updated on: 14 February 2017, 6:03 IST

"I told you! I told you!" screeched Mr Gavaskar, sounding like he was having a heart-attack. Mushfiqur Rahim had just hit a scoop shot in the last over of the India-Bangladesh ICC World Twenty20 match in Bangalore. It was a key moment; MS Dhoni's famed Indian side was going to be thrown out of a World Cup on home soil. And yet, the commentator manages to make this about himself?

Yes, so you know how a player rolls: dude, you've only been watching cricket all your life and you make a living out of watching cricket, so calm your shiz, girlfriend.

Right before this, Gavaskar went on and on about how Mushfiqur is a cheeky player - "cheeky, he is cheeky, cheeky, cheeky". OMG, STOP IT ALREADY - where's the mafia when you need them? Wasn't being verbally offensive still a crime in India?

Also read: #INDvBAN | India win nail-biting match and keep semi-final hopes alive

The best commentators are Nasser Hussain, Shaun Pollock, Dean Jones and Alan Wilkins. Wasim Akram isn't half bad with his bowling tips, and Pommie Mbangwa is forgiven everything because, oh that voice.

But though Gavaskar and the whiny Rameez Raja stand out as the worst commentators of the WT20, it's not just them: the whole cricket-viewing experience has been marred by a series of inane comments several of these pros make, repeatedly.

This has been going on for a while now, to the increasing dismay of the Social Media Sport Watchers Club, and yet our outrage hasn't made a dent. Cometh the World Cup, cometh the frustrating commentary. Maybe it's time we consolidated our collective outrage.

Gavaskar went on about how Mushfiqur is a cheeky player - "cheeky, he is cheeky, cheeky, cheeky"

Field Guide for Cricket Commentary: What Not To Say

On runs

  • That's a huge total. [Trust us to do that much math. Ditto for that's not a big enough total.]
  • They need to take full advantage of the Power Play. [No way.]

  • The fielding side doesn't want the batting side to make runs. [Harsha Bhogle actually said this in the India-Pakistan match.]

  • They need to put the ball in the gaps. [So genius, much tip. Who would've thought?]

Also read: #INDvBAN | India stifled by Bangladeshi bowlers as batsmen manage to post 146 on the board

On wickets

  • They need to take wickets. [Harsha Bhogle actually said this in the India-Pakistan match.]
  • They need to take early wickets. [Slight adjustments don't make a bad thing better.]

  • They can't afford to lose too many wickets. [Who can?]

  • They've lost too many wickets. [Remember our mathematical ability?]

On a chase

  • They need to go out there and get the runs. [You don't say.]
  • They need to keep chipping away at the total. [WE KNOW THIS, BE QUIET.]

  • They need to pace their innings. [Read above.]

  • They need to keep their cool. [But we are losing it.]

  • Singles are key; you can't hit every ball for a four or a six. [What are you saying?]

  • The fielding side needs to field well. [Silence]

Also read: #INDvBAN | Here's how Twitter reacted to India's epic win over Bangladesh

On players

  • He is playing well/badly. [We are watching the same game.]
  • He is on fire. [Please!]

  • Dhoni is cool headed. Gayle is a powerful hitter. Irfan is tall. [You get the drift.]

  • You can't bowl short and wide to him. [And whom can you bowl short and wide to?]

  • He is an experienced player. [And you are an experienced commentator so stop saying these things.]

On tight situations

  • This is a tight situation. [Silence]
  • They cannot afford to lose wickets. [You said.]

  • They cannot afford dot balls. [We know this too.]

  • They cannot afford to drop catches. [Sigh.]

  • They cannot afford silly mistakes. [Mr Gavaskar, am looking at ya.]

Also read: IND vs BAN: Why India need to make the most of their clash with Bangladesh

On the pitch

Please state the nature of the pitch only once every hour unless it changes before that. To keep repeating "this is a turning wicket" every over is not going to change anything except the temperature of our blood. The pitch cannot change now, get over it.

  • The fielding side must not forget that they have to bat too. [What are the chances?]

These are only some pointers, but as a general (or, as Gavaskar says, junral) rule, feel free to avoid

  1. repeating yourself
  2. stating the obvious and
  3. sounding woefully partisan

And while we're at it can we please stop calling Afridi Boom bloody Boom?

With love,

Social Media Sport Watchers Club

Edited by Shreyas Sharma

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IND vs BAN: 'Injustice' to Bangladesh remains the focus ahead of crucial Group 2 tie

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First published: 25 March 2016, 4:19 IST
Kalyani Prasher @kakulprasher

After 10 Years A Slave to the IndiaToday Group, Kalyani Prasher is now finally free to do all the things she stilldoes not do. She does however manage to travel, read and watch movies, andwrite about these and all the other little things that make life worth living.