This week in Pokemon Go stupid: Woman claims Pokemon raped her

Pokerape

If you saw that subhead and read it as 'Poker ape', then congrats, there's still hope for your soul yet. While some form of poker playing ape or, better still, an ape with an inscrutably neutral face, would make for an interesting read, we don't live in that sort of world.

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No. The world we live in is one where apes are shot dead. And where the word break in Pokerape is after the 'e'. That's right, we've reached the point of Pokemon rape. Well, sorta...

According to an article published on Russian news website Bloknot.ru, a lady from Moscow has filed a police complaint claiming to have been raped by a Pokemon. No, not a Pokemon Go player. Not even a person in a Pokemon suit. She claims she was raped by an actual Pokemon.

Well, technically not by an actual Pokemon either, as that, of course, would be a cartoon. Rather, the woman claims to have been raped by one of the virtual beings that the Pokemon Go program has scattered across the globe.

Wait, what?!

The lady, who was playing Pokemon Go before she fell asleep, says she woke up to a huge, heavy Pokemon on top of her. At this point, a whole bunch of smaller Pokemon just let out a huge sigh of relief. Or they would, if Pokemon were real.

Her attacker, said the woman, disappeared as soon as she jumped out of bed. 'Ha!', I hear you say, 'She has no proof!'. Except she does. Undeniable, unavoidable proof. Well, at least if we're living in a world where everyone is clearly insane, because her proof was that the Pokemon Go app could still detect a Pokemon in her bed.

Further reading of the Bloknot report makes it clear that Niantic needs to explain augmented reality better. Not because it's not already clear, but because, as Einstein said, human stupidity is infinite.

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Ivan Makarov, identified in the report as the woman's friend, said that she'd complained about Pokemon before, claiming her house was infested with them. So much so that her dog barked every time she played the game.

Two things about this are surprising:

1) That she never realised her dog was barking because she was stumbling around her houses glued to her phone and not paying her dog any attention.

2) That there's someone willing to be identified as the friend of a clearly insane woman.

A woman was raped! Does nobody care?

Amazingly, when the woman, who displayed no signs of being raped or even attacked, went to the police, they didn't believe her. It's a sorry indictment of the poor state of law and order in Russia. When crime is so bad that real police can't take time off from policing to play Pokemon Go and catch a pervy Pokemon, you know things must be bad.

We imagine when she reported her rape, they probably said "It must've been ghastly", before falling over themselves laughing.

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Whatever they did, they didn't give her a psychiatrist's number like they should have, because, instead, the woman went to a psychic. Who, amazingly, couldn't help her either.

Finally, in desperation, she listened to her husband's advice and went to see a shrink, who presumably needed to take some pills herself to get through the woman's story.