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Putting the poo in Putin - what we'd learn from the poo of world leaders

Ranjan Crasta | Updated on: 14 February 2017, 5:34 IST

Let's face it, humankind, en masse, has a morbid fascination with scatology. It's a shitty habit but seldom does a turd get flushed without a cursory glance at its consistency. No? Just me? Well then, that's probably why I'm writing this piece.

But if I have a fascination with the subject, Joseph Stalin had an obsession. So much so that he gave the chief of Soviet security, Lavrenti Berdia, the crappiest job in all of Soviet Russia. What was his job you ask? To examine the poo of Mao Zedong during the Chairman's visit to Russia.

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It turns out that in the absence of today's sophisticated espionage gadgetry, the Russian's were hoping to gain an insight into Mao's psyche by studying his stools. Yeah, they were less interested in the Chinese Communist Party and more interested in the Chinese communist's potty.

Special toilets were set up and Mao's poop was indeed collected and studied in a top secret laboratory. Stalin even turned his nose up at the idea of signing a deal with Mao as a result. Still, we're given to understand it was later scrapped and that was the end of scat.

But, the idea seems like an interesting concept and we've all heard the saying 'you are what you eat'. Here's what we think we'd learn if we looked at the poo of various world leaders:

Narendra Modi

It must be the high-roughage content of his vegetarian diet as well as his love for yoga, because the Modi wave is nothing compared to his other movements.

stalin modi

His affinity for all things milk-based indicates some amount of tolerance for intolerance, lactose or otherwise. Chilli meanwhile shows a man with a fiery temper, but one who can handle the pressure of being in the hot seat. Even among the trace remains of spices, kesar stands out - this is a man who doesn't just eat, breathe and talk saffron, he even poops it.

Nawaz Sharif

While his Indian counterpart is all about the cow, Sharif loves his beef and it shows.

stalin nawaz

Not just on his waistline either. The protein from all the beef points to a man who routinely picks fights - no wonder he's constantly beefing with opposition leaders and occasionally those of neighbouring countries. The presence of some semi-digested beans also shows a man who's full of hot air. Not just metaphorically either.

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Barack Obama

The outgoing US President's poo is more than a little worrying.

stalin obama

In his first term they consisted largely of beef, indicating a man ready to take the bull by the horns. Now it's mostly chicken, reflective of a personality that is just that - mostly chicken, when it comes to serious action. The coffee shows a worried man, unable to sleep well and struggling to find the will to face the day. The onions are indicative of a man who's emotionally fragile, ready to curl up into a ball and weep. Clearly, the end of term 2 can't come fast enough.

David Cameron

UK Prime Minister David Cameron's love affair with pigs, errr, pork, is well known.

stalin cameron

But it's the other contents of his droppings that truly reflect the man's personality. With the absence of salt in his tea, potato and bread, Cameron's personality is stiff, stuck up and bland.

Vladmir Putin

Vladimir Putin's turds paint the picture of a very, very scary man.

stalin putin

He evidently likes his meats fairly raw, showing a man with an unhealthy appetite for blood. The remnants of what was once foie gras point to a man who has absolutely no qualms with cruelty. The low water content indicates a man with a very dry personality.

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Donald Trump

Sure he isn't a world leader yet, but Trump's so full of shit that this list wouldn't be complete without him.

stalin trump

His poop is literally a 50-50 of wine and swiss cheese. The wine paints a picture of a man who's delusional, loose-lipped and prone to faux pas. The cheese is reflective of his attitude and world view, which, quite frankly, is full of holes and stinks.

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First published: 4 February 2016, 10:00 IST
Ranjan Crasta @jah_crastafari

The Ranjan (Beardus Horribilis) is a largely land-dwelling herbivorous mammal. Originally from a far more tropical habitat, the Ranjan can now be found wandering the streets of Delhi complaining about the weather, looking for watering holes and foraging for affordable snacks. Mostly human, mostly happy and mostly harmless, the Ranjan is prone to mood swings when deprived of his morning coffee. Having recently migrated to the Catch offices, he now inhabits a shadowy corner and spends his time distracting people and producing video content to distract them further.