Sanam Teri Kasam movie review: a film infected with brain fever

QUICK PILL

* Directors Vinay Sapru and Radhika Rao\'s third film after Lucky (No Time For Love) and I Love NY* Stars Harshvardhan Rane and Mawra Hocane* Running time is an unbeatable 154 minutes

* Rating: 1.5/5

This film is so long that it's probably still going on as I write about it. I could have watched Prem Ratan Dhan Payo thrice, traveled to Ahmedabad on the anticipated bullet train, watched India play Sri Lanka in a meaningless cricket series again, stood for both national anthems repeatedly, started a family, lived an angst-filled life, died, experienced rebirth in Karan Arjun and even squeezed in an Ashutosh Gowarikar movie - all this while Sanam Teri Kasam leisurely made its way through ten acts.

Doomed Love Template

This is barely an exaggeration. Directors Radhika Rao and Vinay Sapru genuinely believe they're making the next Tere Naam Aashiqui too (get it?) They start things off as an ugly duckling story - that of Tambrahm Saraswati (Pakistani actress Mawra Hocane wearing specs) struggling to find an IIT-IIM groom. She has an adolescent voice, trembles, tenses up and exhibits all the general attributes of suppressed cinematic daughters brought up in traditional dungeons.

North To South

The setup is interesting: A conservative, middle-class Matunga society. It's surreal to see Manish Choudhary, who almost always plays the sophisticated arrogant North Indian scoundrel, as her strict Brahmin appa. But he still manages to narrow exactly one eye while displaying dissatisfaction and rage. He actually performs the last rites of Saraswati after she befriends bad-boy neighbour and ex-convict Inder.

Inder has eight packs. Inder has tattooed biceps. Inder is a recluse and hates his estranged father. Inder has a dark past. Don't be like Inder.

Wooden Frame

Telugu actor Harshvardhan Rane essays this troubled chap, but he seems to suffer from the John Abraham syndrome: He tilts his head at various angles to look at everyone menacingly - even when he falls in love with the nerd (sign: she works at a library) He even speaks to a tree in the end, which is sort of like looking in a mirror.

Miss Hocane (whose real surname is Hussain) sheds enough tears throughout the film to fill Powai lake and more. There are perhaps two frames where she isn't crying or pleading or suffering or wallowing in the world's miseries. Her nose is red and runny, and if she's not crying, she's dying. I can't blame her; she's trapped in India's first unedited movie.

Bizarre Side Acts

She's also surrounded by truly expendable characters and an annoyingly repetitive Haal-E-Dil piano theme. Anurag Sinha plays a constipated version of Jab We Met's Anshuman and Dil Chahta Hai's Subodh - a third wheel whose sole goal is to make ridiculous facial expressions. Vijay Raaz appears as an underground makeup artiste; you expect him to do something rustic and extravagant, but his first word is "Wikipedia" in Himesh Reshammiya's voice. Not only is the music misplaced, it doesn't fit into the quiet, simmering mood of Inder's gloomy universe and Saraswati's virginal tantrums. Murli Sharma is a cop hell-bent on proving that he is actually an insufferable Maharashtrian cupid.

No Emotional Continuity

There's no flow to any of the conflicts either. One moment Inder is arrested, then Saraswati is hospitalised, then she disappears, he finds her in some jungle. It's impossible to care whether they end up together or not.

Long after you've read this review, they're still wincing and whining in each other's arms. She's probably still wiping her nose on his collarbone. I grew old while the filmmakers were trying to find new ways to reinterpret Erich Segal's Love Story.

Honestly, after 158 minutes of glycerin and limitless resolutions, all you want is a cold shower.