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The great dictator: Why Donald Trump should dump Putin and pick Kim Jong Un

Ranjan Crasta | Updated on: 22 February 2017, 20:36 IST
(Photo: Arya Sharma/Catch News)

Dear Donald,

Your love affair with Vladimir Putin is fast becoming one of history's great romances. Like Napoleon and Josephine, or, since you're so fond of Russia, Nicholas II and Alexandra. Yes, both of those ended badly, but relationships ending badly is also something you're no stranger to.

We see your reasons too – Putin's a strong man who loves going shirtless for the cameras, and, as your longstanding affiliation with the WWE shows us, that's exactly your type of guy.

But we know you're not the superficial type, Donald. Of course not. The two of you also have a lot in common. You both think Russia is great, CNN is terrible, and that you should be the US President. You've both also worked hard together to make that last thing happen, so clearly you work well as a team. And isn't that the bedrock of any good relationship?

But I got news for you, Donald. While Putin may seem like the man of your dreams, he's not the man for you. In fact, no man is the man for Putin, because, well, man on man loving is something Putin has worked hard to criminalise. Besides, if Putin's icy heart ever belonged to a man, that man would be Bashar al-Assad. Just look at the love they share:

Just look at the love in their eyes, Donald. (File photo)

But that isn't to say that there isn't someone deserving of your love and admiration, Donald. There absolutely is, and his name is Kim Jong Un.

You and Kim have a lot in common, like how you inherited your respective empires from your fathers. Sure, you only got a $100 million empire from yours, while Kim got an entire country, but trust us, Donald, between North Korea and $100 million, we know which one we'd pick every time. And it doesn't rhyme with gonorrhea.

Putin, on the other hand, is not from your class, he had to work to reach his current position, and working is for losers. Imagine Putin droning on about those hard early days working undercover for the KGB in Germany. So unrelatable. What a loser.

Kim and you both also have unique hairstyles that buck the trend when it comes to fashion. Putin, meanwhile, is rapidly losing his hair, and that's not a good look. So terrible.

But more than what you have in common with Kim, it's what you can learn from him, Donald. The first thing you can learn, Donald, is ambition. Yes, we know you're ambitious. After all, you looked in the mirror and thought you could be president.

We know ambition is also something you admire in Putin. But let's face it, Putin's ambition is pretty tame. Sure, we know Russia's a big place and so controlling it may seem impressive, but Putin doesn't OWN Russia. Kim Jong Un, on the other hand, absolutely owns North Korea. Isn't that what you should be aiming for, Donald?

Kim actually convinced his entire country he doesn't pee or poo. That's skill.

Sure, Putin pretends to have wrestled a tiger and recovered antique jugs from the bottom of the ocean, but is that really as far as your ambition goes? You need to think big Donald, and there's no one better to teach you this than Kim. He has actually convinced his entire country that he doesn't pee or poo. That's the sort of ambition even you can admire, Donald.

That pesky press you hate so much? Kim knows just how to fix that. In fact, Kim's press do a fantastic job covering him, despite doing hard-hitting honest stories like "Kim Jong-un Highly Praised by International Community." Wouldn't you like to open the papers and read things about yourself like, “He boundlessly loves children, patting them on the cheeks and complying with their impertinent requests.” Of course you do. Kim can teach you how to make it happen.

Also read - Who needs Netflix? Not North Korea - they just launched Manbang

Then there's also the issue of illegal immigrants. Do you know how many illegal immigrants North Korea has, Donald? Zero. Kim has made it so that not a single illegal immigrant would dare set foot in North Korea. In fact, Kim's immigration policy is so strict that not only are immigrants not allowed to enter, but North Koreans aren't allowed to leave. And all of this was achieved without spending any money building walls. What a great guy. So great.

Finally, there's your love for the golf course. We know you love Mar-a-lago. And, you know who else would love it? Kim. After all, his father, Kim Jong Il, is the greatest golfer to have ever lived, and we're sure he's taught Kim Jr. something. Putin, on the other hand, would probably prefer hunting, and we all know guns don't fit in your tiny hands.

So do the right thing, Donald. Pick Kim Jong Un. Besides, wouldn't it be great if America and North Korea got along?

First published: 22 February 2017, 20:36 IST