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Moos your daddy and other ways the Indian cow is magical

Ranjan Crasta | Updated on: 17 January 2017, 11:10 IST

If you pay enough attention to BJP ministers' utterances, you learn something new everyday. Well, at least when it comes to cows.

We were treated to another delightful lesson in cow science 101 on 14 January, when no less than Rajasthan's education minister, Vasudev Devnani, while addressing a crowd at a gau shaala, said this:

"Gai ekmatra prani hai jo oxygen grahan karta hai, aur oxygen hi chodta hai." (The cow is the only animal that takes in oxygen and also releases oxygen.)

Rajasthan's education minister, Vasudev Devnani, believes that cows inhale AND exhale oxygen.

While the esteemed minister did not go on to say whether this would be an addendum to Rajasthan's biology textbooks, the BJP's outlandish claims about the magical properties of the cow are enough to make up an entire textbook all on their own.

Devnani went on to say that "There is a need to understand the scientific significance of the cow and ensure that the message reaches all people." Since we're really big on doing what our government asks of us, us nationalists at Catch would also like to add to the growing list of supernatural feats that the Indian cow is capable of.

1) The Indian cow is the only animal that shits saplings after eating plants.

Growing plants is no easy task. It takes a great deal of care and nurturing. Unless, of course, you have an Indian cow. One of the less well known properties of the Indian cow is its incredible ability to eat old, dying plants and excrete perfectly intact, healthy saplings to replace them.

Haven't you ever seen grazing pastures and wonder how they're always so lush despite all the cows grazing? Mitron, that grass only keeps growing because that is what our mother cow poops out. Unfortunately, western scientists have omitted this fact from our education, which is why we haven't used it to revolutionise our agriculture industry.

2) Urine of Indian cows can actually be synthesised to create nuclear fuel

Some of the greatest gau rakshaks have pointed out the absolutely scientifically true fact that cow dung can protect you from nuclear radiation. What a lot of people don't know, however, is that cow urine is actually a great and completely natural source of nuclear fuel.

Cow urine + ghee + shlokas = refined uranium.

The vedas tell us that the cow is a source of great energy. However, we simpletons have been fooled by western science that made us believe this was in reference to the nutritional properties of dairy products. The truth is actually that when cow urine is mixed with cow ghee, and the right shlokas are chanted, the resulting concoction actually contains refined uranium.

The practise was only the knowledge of a small set of learned Brahmins due to the limited availability of lead-lined suits throughout history. Now, however, is the time for India to use this knowledge to become a super power.

3) Original Indians were, in fact, Indian cows

BJP's venerable Home Minister, Shri. Rajnath Singh recently brought to light the inexorable fact that humans and cows share 80% of their genes. However, he was ridiculed. Not for being wrong, but for speaking half-truths.

If we do not go back to mating with cows, we risk losing all touch with our bovine ancestry.

What he didn't say was that this fact is specific to Indians, because Indians are, in fact, descendants of the cow. The original Indians who dwelt in places like Mohenjodaro, etc., were actually a race of Indian cows. However, foreign invaders found themselves irresistibly attracted to the beauteous Indian cows, and after forcefully subjugating the peaceful Indian cows, bred with them to create partially human versions of the Indian cow.

Over time, as these human-cows bred with each other, we've seen the genetic distance between man and cow increase, resulting in the Indians we know today. If this is not arrested immediately, and if we do not go back to mating with cows, we risk losing all touch with our bovine ancestry.

4) Indian cows aren't just mooing, they're reciting the Arthashastra

A lot of people ridicule the Indian cow and accuse them of disturbing the peace with their continuous mooing. While this may be true for for other varieties of cattle that are not from Indian, for example the non-magical Jersey cow, the Indian cow is not just mooing...it's reciting Manu's great treatise on governance, the Arthashastra.

This is why you never see chaos, murder and corruption among Indian cows.

This fact has been recently discovered by famous Hindu linguists who have worked tirelessly with some of the most senior of Indian cows. Their finding proves beyond a doubt that not only is the Indian cow highly learned, it also has an unparalleled mastery of governance. This is why you never see chaos, murder and corruption among Indian cows.

Perhaps if we all start paying more attention to Indian cows, our society will also be transformed and we will no longer have horrible Western incidents like the New Year's eve molestations in Bangalore.

5) There's proof that cows have travelled to Mars

A few years ago, eminent scientists at the Indian Science Congress stated that India had technology for interstellar travel to Mars during the Vedic era. What they forgot to mention is that the surest proof of this is the Indian cow.

No ancient Indian would have travelled to Mars without taking cows along, after all, how would they produce nuclear fuel to power their spacecraft. This tryst with Mars has permanently changed the biology of the Indian cow due to the time their ancestors spent grazing on Mars.

If the dung of Indian cows is carefully dried and sieved, we can see traces of a rust-red substance. Famous scientists claim that this is the undigested Mars rock, that has been passed down from one generation of Indian cows to the next.

First published: 17 January 2017, 11:10 IST
 
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