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Censored, not stirred: India says hello to #SanskariJamesBond

Ranjan Crasta | Updated on: 13 February 2017, 9:22 IST

James Bond may be able to get out of most tight spots, but that's only because he hasn't come up against India's censor board.

Where the likes of Jaws, Goldfinger and Octopussy couldn't stop Bond from getting the girl, Pahlaj Nihalani, India's censor chief and a man who seems more trigger-happy than Bond, has succeeded.

Well, more than most anyway.

The censor board has, in its infinite wisdom, decided to cut short two of Bond's kisses, finding their length "to be excessive". This has been done, presumably, to protect the sentiments of innocent movie goers such as yourself, who still live in the 1960s.

If the censor board has its way, we'll finally be introduced to Bond's mother and pet cow in the next iteration of the film series. One where he'll presumably save the world from the threat of beef products, marry a virgin and settle down in Gujarat. Because it's really developed and has lots of jobs if Nihalani's video/ode to India's PM is any indication.

The censor board has shortened two kisses and cut two swear words from the latest release, Spectre

Apparently, when you buy a movie ticket, you also get the censor board's extremely sanskari babysitting services thrown in for free! So, in addition to cutting down on Bond's trademark passion, the censor board has also censored two words.

Forget being the birthplace of the Kamasutra, India is presently one of Pornhub's largest markets. Yet, the censor board is worried that an excessively long kiss and a couple of swears would corrupt our fragile sensibilities. They've obviously never taken a walk through any of India's many public parks.

Or heard of the internet.

Luckily, the internet has heard of the censor board, so what followed was an unending series of mostly funny, sometimes painful tweets. It got so popular that the trend #SanskariJamesBond was at one point the most popular Twitter trend in the country. Here are some of the best:

First published: 18 November 2015, 11:25 IST
Ranjan Crasta @jah_crastafari

The Ranjan (Beardus Horribilis) is a largely land-dwelling herbivorous mammal. Originally from a far more tropical habitat, the Ranjan can now be found wandering the streets of Delhi complaining about the weather, looking for watering holes and foraging for affordable snacks. Mostly human, mostly happy and mostly harmless, the Ranjan is prone to mood swings when deprived of his morning coffee. Having recently migrated to the Catch offices, he now inhabits a shadowy corner and spends his time distracting people and producing video content to distract them further.